The Brownie Defense (Tackling remarks about your diet when you have an eating disorder)

I never noticed how much people comment on my diet until I relapsed into my eating disorder. Beforehand, I proudly fueled my body with food to be strong and didn't shy away from snacks that sent others into anxiety spirals. In fact, I didn't even catch on why anyone would be nervous about, let's say, eating a chocolate cake.

Now, other people's fears and worries about food seem to be everywhere. And there are nowhere more present than in my family. 

Especially the minds of my mum and her husband seem to be ruled by bizarre food beliefs, ranging from "cinnamon crunch muesli leads to binge eating" and "diet coke gives you osteoporosis" to fantasizing about their favorite cake but never buying it because it has too many calories. 

These comments became a major problem for me when I relapsed into my eating disorder. And as many will know, it can be difficult to re-train your family not to talk like this when fearful beliefs about food are deeply entrenched into their psyche. In fact, they often seem to believe they are helping me when I recoil from foods on their 'bad list' as a reaction to their comments. 

It leaves me deeply frustrated because all I want to do is say something snappy back and show them how much I disagree with their beliefs. In reality, however, I often end up just skipping meals. 

Until the day of the 'brownie defense'. 

I recently discovered a new brownie recipe with which I actually feel safe. The feeling of happiness over being able to eat brownies again - even if just that one recipe for now -  is immense.

I am happily baking in the kitchen until a very typical Whatsapp message from my mum arrives.

"I have lost xxx kilos. I cut out meat completely and I am only eating salads for lunch now. My cholesterol levels have improved as well, the doctor is impressed."

Of course, I am happy her cholesterol is better. But the rest of the message is completely inappropriate to send to someone anorexic. So, there I stand with my brownie ingredients in hand, confronted with my dinner-skipping mum that only eats salads now. And I just want to put everything away.

But suddenly, deep in me rises an annoyance with the audacity of sending me this message as if we were in a weight loss competition with each other. And anger for the attempt to take my new brownies away from me by suggesting that subsisting on salads is an appropriate course of action for an adult woman. 

So, instead I send her a picture of my brownie tray. The answer is immediate: "Isn't that a little much for you?"

"No, it isn't", I reply. "In fact, I might eat the entire tray. All by myself." I probably won't, but it is the spirit that counts. I want her to understand that she can eat all the salads she likes, I will not engage in this form of diet and weight competition.

I know she wants me to approve of her food choices. Or acknowledgement how great it is to lose weight. Or maybe she even wants me to tell her that it is dangerous so she can feel superior in her food-abstaining abilities. 

But instead I show her that I am enjoying my life right now to the fullest. She ghosts me thereafter (a clear sign that I won that battle), and I enjoy my brownies in peace on the terrace. 

This was probably one of the strongest things I have done this month. Sadly, it takes so much strength to defend yourself against food comments when your eating disorder voice mimics the same statements and beliefs inside your head. 

A few days after, my flatmate criticizes me for preparing pancakes that were "too big". I just roll my eyes and tell her that there are no pancake rules. They are fine just the way they are. But it takes me 2 hours afterwards to muster the courage to actually eat them. 

Even such benign statements take on a thunderous volume inside my head as my eating disorder repeats back to me: "Yes, they are definitely too big for you."

It is part of my journey to become more fearless. Clearly, certain food items are the demons too many of us became so scared of that we cannot help but comment wherever we see them, maybe coming from a good place where we think we are warning someone of something bad. Or from a place of wanting to prove how pure we are for not consuming these foods. 

But I don't want to be scared of demons anymore. They are just shadows. They are not really there, present only in our heads.