Becoming the witch

Sometimes my anorexia gets me to the point that I don't know anymore if I actually like a food or not. I get so comfortable with my so-called "safe foods" that I am not sure if I actually like them or if they are just comfortable. In some cases, it's obvious. Of course I like real chocolate sauce more than the sugar free one. Normal cookies taste better than protein cookies. I know that the latter ones just feel safer, nothing else. But almond milk is peculiar case for me. I know that it is literally just five almonds blended in water that pretend to be milk, but it would be more accurate to just call it milky almond water. But I think... I like it?  Anyway, we are here to figure this out. I got very comfortable with my almond milk. I use nothing else for my coffees and protein shakes, to the point that local supermarket sends me discount codes for more almond milk every week since they noticed too that I go through 5 litres a week.   But I think I really like the oth...

Credit I have read the sentence "calories in calories out" many times online. Usually what is meant by this is that weight loss can be reduced down to how much you eat minus how much you burn in basic metabolic rate (BMR) plus exercise plus non-exercise activity thermogenesis (NEAT or non-exercise movement). To translate it into simple terms, people often mean to convey with this that weight loss is simple. Oftentimes, I see this phrase under posts trying to fat-shame someone, for example someone who struggles losing weight or an anorexic person who is also overweight. This is usually accompanied with other 'helpful' phrases like "you can't break the laws of thermodynamics", implying that the author of a text is being dishonest about the calories they consume.  Yet, I also see an equal amount of posts from people complaining about that they "gain and lose the same 5 pounds over and over again". How is this possible? Is everyone just being disho...

I never noticed how much people comment on my diet until I relapsed into my eating disorder. Beforehand, I proudly fueled my body with food to be strong and didn't shy away from snacks that sent others into anxiety spirals. In fact, I didn't even catch on why anyone would be nervous about, let's say, eating a chocolate cake. Now, other people's fears and worries about food seem to be everywhere. And there are nowhere more present than in my family.  Especially the minds of my mum and her husband seem to be ruled by bizarre food beliefs, ranging from "cinnamon crunch muesli leads to binge eating" and "diet coke gives you osteoporosis" to fantasizing about their favorite cake but never buying it because it has too many calories.  These comments became a major problem for me when I relapsed into my eating disorder. And as many will know, it can be difficult to re-train your family not to talk like this when fearful beliefs about food are deeply entrench...

 I am scared of wraps. How silly. I know.  What particularly worries me about wraps is how they don't really satisfy me. I would need to eat 2 or 3 wraps to feel properly full, yet my ED brain tells me that I am only allowed one at a time.  So, this week I am going to eat a wrap every day because this is the key of turning them from fear food to safe food. Recovery is about repetition to rewire the brain. Right now my brain thinks wraps = danger, because I get anxious every time I eat them. It is time to show my brain that nothing happens when I eat wraps. (And no, they are not low kcal wraps) Day 1 - Rutabaga Wrap   Day 2 - Soy chunks with yogurt sauce and black garlic Looks kinda horrible but soy chunks are bomb. They are dry soy granulates that when soaked in broth become a fairly good beef substitute. Day 3 - Broad bean quark wrap (super spicy) Day 4: Tuna yogurt wrap  (forgot the inside pic) Day 5 - Broccoli Rice Yogurt Wrap I am not feeling very strong tod...

Published in 2012, Carrie Arnold gives insights into the scientific advances in knowledge on both anorexia causes and treatments in a refreshing way that doesn't feel like a book that is already almost 10 years old. Arnold blends scientific studies and interviews with professionals and researchers that allows for a fluid writing style between factual information and conversations with experts. Additionally, the author shares personal anecdotes and interviews other eating disorder sufferers which makes the research information more relatable without diminishing one's ability to distinguish between fact and narration. Overall, the book is incredibly readable and digestible considering the immense amount of information contained in it. Arnold starts with a history of anorexia followed by psychological research on anorexia, focusing on personality traits and connections to OCD, among other topics. Then, she moves to the biological factors which seem to be largely underestimated. Sh...

I think we all know the struggle with the atypical anorexia nervosa diagnosis. You only got typical anorexia with a BMI under 18.5, anything above and you count as 'atypical'. Pretty strange since many people with anorexia do in fact have a BMI above 18.5 (so how are they atypical if there are so many?), but for me and many others it is just this constant struggle to fit the diagnostic criteria to be taken seriously or you are "not sick enough".  Yet, I have barely ever been able to meet this criteria. My body just won't reach such a low weight easily, let alone the seriously underweight category of below 17.5, but I feel compelled to constantly chase the 'typical' diagnosis to prove something to myself and others. Which is messed up in itself.  The other day, while I was reading Decoding Anorexia by Carrie Arnold, one sentence startled me:   "Although not everyone with anorexia has the body distortions and fears of becoming fat — known as 'nonf...

About half a decade ago, my mum gifted me a exaggeratedly fluffy winter jacket. While being meant as a gesture of kindness, this jacket was completely useless where I was living back then, a place where winter temperatures wouldn't drop below 10 degrees Celsius. I would walk the dog with nothing but a singlet underneath, and still would break out in sweat within minutes. Because here is the thing: My mum never gets presents with the person in mind. According to herself, she gets presents she would like for herself, so that if the gifted person doesn't like the present, she can keep it. Not without being offended, of course. Presents can act as a means of control. When she gifts something she really likes (for herself), she requests constant updates on it. Every few weeks, I received an email with the following questions: "Do you still have the jacket? Are you using it? You are not giving it away, are you?" The burden of this fully hit me when it was time for me to lea...

 The idea of imagining my eating disorder as a creature from a fantasy world came to me after contemplating the common ways many people seem to personify their illness. People with anorexia often call it Ana, often not unlike a girlfriend that accompanies you through the day, consolidates you and helps you out in difficult times. It is not difficult to imagine why this is problematic. Most of us are aware that our eating disorder is not a friend at all, however, Ana is above all very good at making you hers and hers alone, isolating you from your friends and making you complicit in secrecy, not unlike an abusive partner. Ana makes you empty on the inside, both physically and mentally, and any friendship, no matter how toxic, is better than having to confront the void. My boyfriend was the first to call her a demon.  He described how sometimes my voice, the way I talk and even my body language would change as if I was possessed. The once bubbly person who loved dancing, lo...